On the 23rd August I had my heart scan done, at which time Tracy told me it would probably be 4-5 weeks until the 'procedure' to implant the pacemaker would be done. I had a hair appointment on the 1st September and booked my next appointment for the 6th October knowing once I'd had my implant I would be unable to do my hair myself properly for several weeks, so wanted it freshly cut and coloured as close to the operation as possible.
The week after my hospital scan I received a letter from the hospital, by now I was recognising the envelope. I opened it, half knowing this would be the date for my implant. The emotions were mixed, it would take me from the worry of waiting for a date, to the worry of knowing when it was to happen.
And then I had it in black & white, staring at me from the page - Wednesday 19th September, only 2 weeks away. Part of me was shocked how soon it was, how was I going to get all the chores done ahead of the procedure, knowing how restricted I would be for the few weeks afterwards. Part of me was relieved, I didn't have too long to worry about the actual op.
Part of me was panicking that I didn't have too long to worry about the op.
My head was all over the place, this was now feeling real. There was no going back. I had a heart condition. It would get worse. It would cause me problems in the future. A pacemaker would make sure it didn't.
All rational thoughts were overwhelmed by crazy, panic thoughts. The test results could've led to a much worse outcome. I was fortunate they had identified the AV Block, I was fortunate it could be easily controlled, it could've been something much worse.....the rational part of me knew all this.
The emotional side wasn't listening. I was scared. People kept telling me I would be like a new woman afterwards, but in truth, I was quite happy with the old one. They had identified the condition early, before it was affecting my health, I didn't expect to feel any different afterwards.
I had planned for 5 weeks, I had 2 - it was happening too fast. At times when I was left on my own, with my thoughts undistracted the panic over what was happening took hold and I would find myself in floods of tears.
It was difficult for Neil, there was only so much he could do to support me, and he did everything he could. Since being told that the AV Block only showed up at night neither of us were sleeping well, I worried about going to sleep incase something happened and Neil kept waking up to check on me, to make sure I was ok.
The expected 5 weeks had turned into a very short 2 weeks.
The next 2 weeks would be the longest 2 weeks of my life.
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