From the day I realised they had found something wrong with my heart I have had difficulty accepting it. I didn't feel ill. I wasn't showing any symptoms. They had to have it wrong.
Even after I had started to have follow up tests and scans, had received my date for the implant, I still felt at some point someone was going to tell me they'd got it wrong.
Sat outside the operating theatre I asked the consultant if he was sure I needed this implant.
Today, it was as if all the stress and tension and worry of the last few weeks finally reached the surface. It was the simplest of comments from Neil which set me off, and all I wanted to do was cry. I shed a few but tried to stay strong for those around me. I was frustrated how little I could do, I was annoyed at the discomfort I was in, I was unhappy how reliant I was on others and I was still struggling to accept it had all happened, even though I had the car to prove it.
Today was the day I had to remove the dressing and let the air get to the scar. Today was the day I would have a constant reminder of the operation. It was ugly and I wanted to hide it behind a dressing again, but I knew I couldn't.
Finally, the tears stopped. I had got the last few weeks out of my system and now needed to move on. Whatever I thought I couldn't change anything. The pacemaker was in, was working and would be responsible for making sure the AV Block never caused me any problems as the condition gets worse.
I know the accident was a blessing in disguise, I know that catching the condition so early is a blessing and I know that the pacemaker will allow me to have good health over the coming years but.. I'm only human, I'm allowed a bad day.
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