I vividly remember the day I was told I had a heart condition that was degenerative, it came as a complete shock as up to that point I thought I was totally healthy, if a little over weight. I remember writing down the name of the condition Second degree AV Block Type 2. I remember going home and checking on the internet and reading that Type 2 was the bad one.
I remember being told by my consultant that they would be fitting a pacemaker within weeks. It was a strange feeling, as someone who had never had an operation, never been in hospital before, I felt panic at the notion of someone implanting a metal object into my chest and linking it up with my heart. I didn't worry about the actual workings of the pacemaker as I had previously worked for a company that supplied pacemakers to the Health Service, I knew they were very reliable and had a reasonable battery life, but this was now happening to me which made it a very different situation.
I remember feeling relieved that the condition was treatable and that the prognosis was positive, it could have been a very different situation. But the few weeks between the diagnosis and the operation, or procedure as the hospital referred to it, were a worrying time for me.
The idea of the pacemaker was huge, the operation wasn't easy for me and the recovery was difficult at times. In the first few weeks it affected everything, getting dresses, driving, even walking the dogs if they tugged on their lead. Everytime I saw myself in the mirror as I got out of the shower all I could see was this horrible scar and lump where the pacemaker sits.
During the first year I was aware of the unit all the time, worried about people bumping into me in crowds, got used to walking with my hand cupped over it to form a barrier against accidents. I was careful not to overstretch my left arm, realised that swinging a golf club was no longer an easy thing for me to do due to how high the pacemaker sits, but as I had pretty much stopped playing already due to arthritic problems, it wasn't a problem for me. I think if golf had been important I would have found a way to swing my clubs, even if it did mean altering my swing a little, so any golfers reading this that are due to have an implant don't panic, I know lots of golfers who have units fitted and they don't cause them any problems.
During the second year I had a whole host of new personal problems to deal with to distract me from my pacemaker, which just carried on doing it's job. Occasionally I can feel the unit working, when lying quietly at night, but most of the time I don't. I stopped noticing the scar so much as it began to fade a little, even went on holiday and began to wear strappy tops which meant the lump was clearly visible, although I kept the scar covered. I stopped thinking of it a THE pacemaker and began to think of it as MY pacemaker.
Now, I am 3 years on from my operation. I rarely give a thought to my pacemaker, I don't even think about it as I dry myself after a shower and my hand moves across the lump. It's just part of me. It can occasional remind me it's there if a lay funny on my left side, but most of the time I am doing what the consultants told me at the time I had the operation, forgetting about it and getting in with my life as if I didn't have one, (other than not standing too close to a working microwave...).
This is a place I didn't think I would be in when I came out of the operating theatre. I still wear my medical alert tag on my watch, I still carry my implant card in my purse, but other than that it no longer defines who I am. So much so that when I registered with a new doctor recently it was almost as an after thought I remembered to tell him about it.
So, for anyone who has just been told they need a pacemaker implant and has come across this blog while desperately searching for information, take it from me... it is a big thing in your life, whatever the reason you are having the unit implanted, but at some point it will just become part of you.
3 years on I rarely give mine a second thought, but if I do it is with the reassurance that it will keep doing what it is there to do and I can carry on doing what I want to do.
I cannot believe 3 years has passed already and, as the battery life is still expected to be around 10 years, there is plenty of time before I need to go back into the operating theatre. Who knows what advances in technology will have done to pacemakers by then.
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